From the funny because it's true category:

Panic Order:

(n.) When you're taking too long to decide your order and you feel the waiter and your friend judging you.

How have you been lately?:

(q.) I want to know that I'm not the only one whose life has been shitty so that we can rant about it together.

Shower:

(n.) A place you procrastinate going into but once you do, you don't wanna come out.

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